It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Today's my birthday and I can't seem to decide what to think about it. Part of me wishes that we could ignore it altogether - 100% and the other part of me wants to be spoiled 100%. Why does being an adult have to be so complicated?

I spent the first half of my morning prayer crying because I feel so disappointed with myself. Another year has gone by and I am still struggling with the same weaknesses and I feel like I haven't improved at all.The second half of my prayer I spent crying because I felt so incredibly grateful for the countless blessings of my life.

An hour later I am crying again as I clean the kitchen because I have to clean the kitchen, because the kids won't leave me alone, because baby Molly won't stop screaming, because it's 11:15 and I haven't had a chance to eat breakfast yet or brush my teeth, etc. etc... am I becoming Bipolar???

I am stressed because of finances and sad because I had to order Jeff to not get me anything for my birthday. Part of me feels like it's not fair that I have to be the one to sacrifice once again. And yet the other part of me chimes up "that's life as an adult" and I feel grateful that despite our stresses we could afford to get our children a gift for Christmas when so many other people have nothing. We have a home to live in, we're warm, and even if the grocery budget is strained we have food to eat (healthy, nutritious, delicious food)!

What is it that compels me to think that just because the earth happens to have orbited around the sun 31 times to the same general location that it was at when I was born that now the stars should align to give me stress free, responsibility free day?? Why do I feel entitled to receive gifts that excite and surprise? Why do I feel like my children should magically disappear or at least be charming, peaceful, and totally self reliant for MY special day? Perhaps, I can learn to be a little less self absorbed if I give myself another 31 years... perhaps.

At any rate- thanks for listening! Thanks for letting me say all the things that I don't feel like I should say, the things that etiquette tells me are not proper responses to the obligatory "happy birthday phone calls." I am going to try to regroup and forget myself today. I am going to read to my kids and play games with them. I am going to try to focus on all of my blessings especially the gift of my Savior, Jesus Christ and the love of my Heavenly Father.  And I am going to go eat a piece of cake for breakfast and give Molly a does of Tylenol - after all it is MY birthday.