Today's my birthday and I can't seem to decide what to think about it. Part of me wishes that we could ignore it altogether - 100% and the other part of me wants to be spoiled 100%. Why does being an adult have to be so complicated?
I spent the first half of my morning prayer crying because I feel so disappointed with myself. Another year has gone by and I am still struggling with the same weaknesses and I feel like I haven't improved at all.The second half of my prayer I spent crying because I felt so incredibly grateful for the countless blessings of my life.
An hour later I am crying again as I clean the kitchen because I have to clean the kitchen, because the kids won't leave me alone, because baby Molly won't stop screaming, because it's 11:15 and I haven't had a chance to eat breakfast yet or brush my teeth, etc. etc... am I becoming Bipolar???
I am stressed because of finances and sad because I had to order Jeff to not get me anything for my birthday. Part of me feels like it's not fair that I have to be the one to sacrifice once again. And yet the other part of me chimes up "that's life as an adult" and I feel grateful that despite our stresses we could afford to get our children a gift for Christmas when so many other people have nothing. We have a home to live in, we're warm, and even if the grocery budget is strained we have food to eat (healthy, nutritious, delicious food)!
What is it that compels me to think that just because the earth happens to have orbited around the sun 31 times to the same general location that it was at when I was born that now the stars should align to give me stress free, responsibility free day?? Why do I feel entitled to receive gifts that excite and surprise? Why do I feel like my children should magically disappear or at least be charming, peaceful, and totally self reliant for MY special day? Perhaps, I can learn to be a little less self absorbed if I give myself another 31 years... perhaps.
At any rate- thanks for listening! Thanks for letting me say all the things that I don't feel like I should say, the things that etiquette tells me are not proper responses to the obligatory "happy birthday phone calls." I am going to try to regroup and forget myself today. I am going to read to my kids and play games with them. I am going to try to focus on all of my blessings especially the gift of my Savior, Jesus Christ and the love of my Heavenly Father. And I am going to go eat a piece of cake for breakfast and give Molly a does of Tylenol - after all it is MY birthday.
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7 comments:
Oh Mary, I love you! This is a great post! Especially because MY special 31st birthday is only five days after yours, and I'm sure my baby will be screaming and my 2 year old refusing to do anything reasonable and I will be the same emotional roller coaster wreck I've been for the past six months... You are NOT alone!! I hope you had some happy moments today and that you end the day with a good feeling. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Remember that we are to KOVE ourselves... only in this way can we learn to truly love others.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I have to remind myself of my blessings all the time. It seems so easy to get mired in the negative. Sorry that you're struggling with this, especially on your birthday! Look at the bright side... you had an hour to yourself to pray! I can't get a minute to myself to go to the bathroom! Just remember how loved you are, even from the distant land of Texas!
Mary - love this honest post that so many of us can relate to! You are wonderful and I hope you have a very Happy Birthday! Wishing you kids with long naps, a sweet birthday treat, and tons of joy for your big day! And it's okay to want it to be something special, no matter how old you get.
I always love to read from the Hamm blog, you and Jeff are great writers and full of wit and wisdom! I had a similar sort of birthday in Nov. (my 40th, so feeling old on top of tired, overworked and frustrated.) My birthday was the 24th, two days after bringing Macall home from a three day visit in the ICU, and Madeline's 12th birthday (and party) and the day before Thanksgiving at my house with guests. I was a bit overwhelmed and yet so grateful for so many blessings in my 40 years!
I sure miss your family (and you S.S. lessons.) I have been thinking a lot about your Christmas lesson lately, I wish it were on tape and I could watch it again. You would be a great author, have you ever thought about writing a book in your spare time? I bought one from D.B. that I thought would be like your Christmas lesson, and it is good but I want a bit more Mary Hamm in it! Merry Christmas!
Mary I think everyone that is being honest wants something special to happen on their birthdays no matter how tight finances or how sick their families are. I thought about you all day on your Birthday. I'm sorry I didn't call. I hope you were able to have a delicious piece of cake for breakfast and a horibly, wonderful, out of tune, version of the Happy Birthday song. Love you and Happy Late Birthday Sweetie! Take care
Mary, ummmmmmmm...Happy Birthday! I hate that I forgot your birthday! I usually don't call people because my own phone rings off the hook on my birthday and eventually I just don't answer.
I totally relate to your feelings, I was just detailing for Chris yesterday the reasons why I hadn't had a proper shower in six days (I had been in the shower twice...once for a quick, cold shower and the other was interrupted by Chris who was only home to take over so I could run to an appt...which meant that I was in the shower when I should have been in the car already, just explaining so that it is understood that though I hadn't really washed well or even conditioned or brushed my hair I did try to shower) and I just feel like I made all these really awesome new year's resolutions and I can't possibly attempt them because I can barely take a shower or get my kids to clear their dishes off the table. Sheesh. I think we both just need to realize that we do have babies (mine is really clingy right now)! I am so sorry you had a conflicted day...you are hopefully not bipolar and will hopefully be closer to family soon!
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